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Stress and the Parent/Child Relationship

Life-Planning

-Romans 12:2
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Stress blocks intuition; it blocks our ability to hear from God. Stress leads to living in survival instead of living life. Learning how to manage our stress and balance our mind, body and spirit leads to a more intuitive and balanced relationship with our children. This book will help you to understand why and how stress is triggered in your relationships with your children, will help you to learn ways to overcome that stress and will teach you how to incorporate new ways of communicating and relating to your children. But first you must be able to identify what stress is and what it feels like.

A Psychological Explanation of Stress
Stress occurs every day, everywhere and in everyone. Stress affects a large percentage of the general population. People struggling with stress range from infants to the elderly in age.

The long-term impact that stress has on a person’s nervous system is great. Often times stress will affect a person’s mood and can even result in a clinical diagnosis of anxiety and/or depression. It can lead to people engaging in high risk or unhealthy behaviors to numb them and help them cope with feelings of fear, worry and insecurity. Lastly, stress can have a tremendous impact on relationships.

Last week I had a friend tell me that he doesn’t know what is wrong with him.  He said he simply feels exhausted and he doesn’t know why.  He told me that it’s gotten so bad that he plans to see his doctor to discuss medication options.  I looked at him with a flat affect, confused by how he really had no idea why he is so tired.  He gets up at four AM to start his day and doesn’t stop to rest until about eleven PM.  He has a high
stress job that is demanding, a busy family to take care of and recreational commitments to tend to.  He does practice self-care by eating healthy, exercising regularly and feeding his spiritual needs through his church community and music, but he does not take enough time for rest.  Instead, he tries to fit all the activities into his week and the result is fatigue and exhaustion. It has affected his mood, his behaviors and his relationships with family and friends. My friend expressed feelings, symptoms and long-term effects of stress which is the result of not listening to his mental, emotional, spiritual and physical needs.

The following explanation is my understanding of what happens to the body, mind and spirit when it experiences stress:

Stress is a chemical reaction caused by an increase in cortisol and adrenaline. When we experience a stressful situation or event, it causes sudden feelings of panic, fear or worry.

The feelings of panic, fear and worry make us uncomfortable, so our natural instinct is to respond by fighting back or trying to avoid the situation. Sometimes our natural instinct to these feelings is to freeze.

This kind of response does not solve anything. It simply makes it worse and over time the stress builds, sending more frequent and intense surges of adrenaline and cortisol throughout the body. If we experience stress on a regular basis, then our bodies adapt to the cortisol or adrenaline high and they eventually become unbalanced. If our bodies are unbalanced, then we can experience the rise in cortisol or adrenaline at any time, even when there is no external stressor. When this happens, it becomes difficult to rest, eat, exercise and do the natural things our body needs to rebalance itself and can result in a clinical diagnosis of anxiety.

Stress on Mood, Behavior and Relationships
Over the last several years, I’ve worked with many teens who are struggling with high stress at school. We live in a culture where we push our kids from morning until evening. They don’t eat properly, they don’t drink enough water and they don’t sleep enough. Electronics are taking over our world and children and teens sit in front of the screen instead of going outside to play. They sit all day at school and have test, after test, after test. They become overloaded with sensory and auditory information. The amount of stress and pressure they experience combined with the lack of nutrition, exercise and sleep has a serious impact on a child or teen’s mood. After years of living with this kind of stress, they usually experience symptoms of anxiety accompanied by panic or sometimes even agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house). In time, the anxiety leads to depression.

Adults also struggle with high stress. Our culture does not encourage us to take time to unwind or destress. Instead, it pushes us to keep going, suck it up and fight through the stress. Half the time we don’t even know we are stressed until
it is too late. Like teens, adults do not eat regularly or nutritiously. They do not sleep enough hours and they do not get enough exercise. Many don’t drink enough water and instead survive off of caffeine or energy drinks to stay awake and energized. Our culture has made it nearly impossible to recognize stress and anxiety because it’s way of dealing with stress is to use some kind of quick fix or substance to numb and relieve it. Addictions have become high among teens and adults for this reason.

Relationships are deeply impacted as a result of the effects that stress has on our mind, body and spirit. Do you know anyone who is struggling with anxiety, depression, mood disorders, or addictions? If you answered yes, then please take a moment to reflect on how their disorders impact their lives, specifically with regard to their relationships. Take a moment to reflect on how their disorder impacts their relationship with you. Anxiety, depression and addiction are family disorders, not just individual ones.

Stress and the Parent/Child Relationship
So what does this have to do with the Parent/Child relationship? Stress has everything to do with it. Children shut down because they get stressed. They retreat to their rooms and their video games or cell phones because they are avoiding being triggered by stress.

Do you ever wonder why your kid is rolling his or her eyes at you? It’s because he/she is shutting down and doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. Why? Because they are stressed or they fear becoming stressed. 
Or do you have a child who is constantly butting heads with you? Why might this happen? The answer is because he/she is stressed, defensive and as a result goes into fight mode to conquer the stress.

I know what you are thinking. You are rolling your eyes saying to yourself, “What the heck does she has to be stressed about? When I was her age….blah, blah, blah.” Yeah, I know, I thought those things before too. But the fact of the matter is that I would never go back to being a teenager. Why? Because I had no choices or control over anything. Being a teenager was hard and today with cell phones, social media and electronics, life for the teenager just got harder.

Finding balance by learning how to manage our stress is a key ingredient to healthy relationships between parents and children. When we live life with balance, we are filled with peace and contentment.

As parents we have a choice with regard to what we do for work, who we surround ourselves with, what we surround our lives with, what we put into our bodies, how we choose to move our bodies, etc. Kids don’t have these choices. Until they are adults, they are expected to follow our lead. And as I grow older and learn more about what it is that children need to become healthy, successful, independent adults, I am learning that children need to learn how to take care of themselves. They need to learn how to listen and honor their intuition and follow where their spirit is being led. Are you raising your children this way or are you feeding off of each other’s stress? Are you guiding your child or are you controlling your child? Are your expectations of your child dictating how you communicate and relate to your child? Are your fears, worries and insecurities triggering stress for you and impacting your ability to make intuitive decisions?

God created each of us for His purpose. He gave every person gifts and skills that they will use to live out their life purpose. Many adults continue to struggle to find the balance between what they want to do and what God wants them to do. In time we begin to recognize that when we adhere to God’s plan for us, our lives become full and blessed and we find peace and contentment even in the midst of distress.

So why do we think it is any different as we raise our children? They are His before they are ours. They too are here for a purpose. As a mother, I’ve come to recognize that my job is not to control my children out of fear that they will go down the wrong path. My job is to teach them how to have a relationship with God so that He can lead them. My part as a parent is the easy one and I am not in control of anything.

Stress impacts our ability to stop and remember this. It implodes us with feelings of fear and worry which are not from God. The rest of this book will help you to better understand why stress gets triggered in our relationships and what we can do to manage it so that we can stay in step with God’s plan for us as parents and how He wants us to guide our children.

Questions for Reflection
Find a quiet space where there are little to no distractions. Take a moment in quiet to reflect on what you just read. When you are ready, answer the following questions in your journal.

  1. Does stress impact you mentally? Explain.
  2. Does stress impact you spiritually? Explain.
  3. How does your body physically respond to stress? Do you fight, flight or freeze in a stressful situation. Give an example.
  4. Does stress affect you emotionally? Explain.
  5. What people, places and situations trigger stress for you?
  6. Do you engage in unhealthy behaviors to help you cope or numb stress? Explain.
  7. How does the way you cope with stress impact your parent/child relationship?
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Grief and the Parent/Child Relationship

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Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

I think when we hear the word grief, we automatically assume it has something to do with death. I know I used to view grief this way. But I learned that grief does not only occur when we lose someone or something, it also occurs when we experience changes.

In my book RENEWED:  A Mind, Body, Spirit Approach to Self-Renewal, I wrote a chapter about grief and the stages we go through. I explain that we go through this grief process with any kind of change or loss. This process includes the following 5 stages: denial/resistance, anger/blame, bargaining/shame/guilt, sadness/depression and acceptance.

There are two things we grieve when it comes to the parent/child relationship. The first is the changes that occur in our children as they grow older and how grief affects our relationship with them. The second is the expectations we have of them and in our relationship.

Grief and Change
It has been my experience both working with children and being a mother of three that our relationships with our children evolve over time. When our children are little, it is our job as parents to protect, teach and care for them. Our children develop personality traits early in childhood that help us to determine how we parent, but our role as the parent is the same for all children. It is to guide them. This is somewhat easy for us to do because ultimately we are in control of them. It is a time when we instill our values, beliefs and ideas onto them. It is a time when we dictate the schedule of their lives and have control over what they do in their lives.

Around age eleven something begins to shift in our children. Age eleven is when the beginning stages of pre-adolescence begins. At this age children begin to experience a sense of self or identity. They begin to have their own thoughts and feelings about things. They are able to process the meaning of things and make connections between those meanings and their feelings about those meanings.

As the child continues to get older, the boundaries and rules change. There is a shifting that evolves over time in the parent/child relationship when the relationship is healthy.

The explanation for this shifting is the systems theory. Systems theory says that we are one part of the whole and that any change that happens to one will affect the whole. I believe this to be true as children develop. As they evolve through the developmental stages, we too as parents must evolve.

So what does this have to do with grief? Well, as I talked about earlier, we grieve change and loss. As our children evolve into more independent human beings, we too will evolve with them. Evolving is a process that involves going through a series of feelings much like grief. At first we may have difficulty recognizing or even resist the changes our children are going through. We may become triggered by their independence and feel angry when they express thoughts and feelings we don’t understand or agree with. We may bargain with them in order to gain control again. We blame and shame them when they don’t live out our expectations of them. And lastly, we feel sadness and sometimes even depression as we come to realize that they are becoming their own person, rebelling against our desires and wishes for them. Eventually we learn to accept them for who they are and love them no matter what. And when we reach that place of acceptance, we find peace in our relationship with them. They are no longer shut down from us or fighting us.

Grief and Expectations
The second thing we grieve in the parent/child relationship is our expectations. Our expectations come from what we were taught. They are instilled in us through our culture and society. Our teens have expectations of how we will parent them and parents have expectations of how their parenting will turn out. Neither one will be right though.

I can remember envisioning my family before I gave birth to my first son. I envisioned the family from 7th Heaven, you know that cheesy show where there was sunshine and rainbows after every argument. I learned the hard way that in order to be a better mother to my children, I needed to be aware the expectations I have of myself as a mother and of their paths of my children. Having expectations of people, places and things will always lead to disappointment and puts pressure in the relationship.

I believe that every child is different and we need to assess each situation as it comes. The situation that most comes to mind when I think about expectations is grades. Parents have expectations that their teenager will get certain grades. I don’t think there is anything wrong with challenging your child to get those grades if he or she is academically capable of getting them. But often times, these expectations are not even discussed with the teenager. And if they are, many times we are not listening to what they are saying as to why they are not fulfilling those expectations.

I had a teenager I was seeing and she had A’s and B’s on her report card. She was bright and worked hard in school. As she got into high school her grades dropped and she had a harder time keeping up with the expectations in the classroom. She would forget to turn things in and would not get grades for missed assignments. Her parents insisted that she was being lazy. As I started learning more about this client, I decided to recommend some testing. Long story short, we found out that this teenager had a mild learning disability. Her parents were shocked as they had no idea their child was struggling the way she was. They never expected to get the results they got, but once their child received some help, her grades improved and she was back to getting her usual A’s and B’s. The relationship was also restored.

I can’t tell you how many times I have a teenager in my office that is telling me about their struggles and the parent is in denial that there is an issue. They are convinced that their child is being lazy or oppositional. Some even use the excuse that it is a phase instead of taking the time to sit and talk with their child and really listen to what is going on. I too am guilty of having expectations of my children. I expect them to get up in the morning without an attitude, help around the house, go to school, then sports and also maintain friendships. I expect them to be nice to their siblings and respect their parents. I expect them to do this all with a smile. But then I reflect on my own life and realize that I don’t do this all perfectly either and I am a grown adult. As I began to understand what my expectations are of my children and in my family, I experienced grief. Why? Because in order to accept the reality of the things I am expecting, I go through resistance, anger, blame, shame, sadness every time they don’t turn out exactly how I expected them to.

I am not telling you it is bad if you have expectations of your children. I am telling you to be aware of your expectations and be aware that you will grieve if they don’t turn out the way you expect. And during those moments grief you will experience denial, resistance, anger, blame, shame, guilt, sadness resulting in ups and downs with your children.

What You Can Expect
As the parent and child go through the changes in their relationship, it is common for the both the child and parent to feel stress and become reactive to the stress they encounter. This is why you will often see a child shut down or become argumentative or resistant to the parent during these changes. The stress that is triggered comes from the feelings of grief we experience as the child develops and changes and as we are forced to let go of things being exactly the way we expect them to be.

The grief we experience in the ever changing parent/child relationship is a process and it happens over time and in layers. I share this explaination with you to help you understand why you may feel some of the feelings you feel in your relationship with your child. Be compassionate with yourself and with your child as you become more aware of these patterns. Allow yourself to feel these feelings without judgement of yourself or your child.

God gave us feelings for a reason. He also gave us the process of grief, therefore I know it is not bad to feel these things. But what does He want us to do in times of grief? I believe He wants us to lean on Him. And He wants us to teach our children to lean on Him. When we lean on Him, He will guide us and comfort us through our times of grief. He will make our paths straight if we trust and obey His will and desires for us.

Questions for Reflection
Find a quiet space where there are little to no distractions. Take a moment in quiet to reflect on what you just read. When you are ready, answer the following questions in your journal.

  1. Is grief triggering stress in your parent/child relationship
  2. What kinds of changes are happening in your parent/child relationship that are causing grief?
  3. What stages of grief have you experienced in your parent/child relationship? Explain.
  4. Please list your expectations (“should” or “should nots”) that you have for yourself and your teenager. Have you experienced grief with any of these expectations? Explain.

10 Ways to Help Your Struggling Child When the Special Education System Fails

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Within the last month, I’ve had 3 meetings with special education teams in three different schools for three different children. Two of the children are my own and one is a current client of mine. My client is a 7th grader with severe learning disorder, ADHD and dyslexia. I requested her meeting because she is verbalizing stress at school and I wanted to implement a stress management plan for her to utilize her coping skills with hopes that it would help her with focus at school. The meeting was held with very specific guidelines. The school informed me that I would not be allowed to discuss her educational needs during this meeting that I would only be able to discuss her stress and mental health issues. I was not very pleased with this response from them as I find it very hard to discuss the mental health concerns without addressing the underlying causes for the mental health concerns which are related to her learning disabilities. With that being said, the meeting was successful and they agreed to meet with me to discuss my educational concerns for my client at another meeting.

My daughter is 8 and was just diagnosed with auditory processing disorder. I requested her meeting because she was beginning to show signs of school refusal, anxiety and depression at home. My goal of the meeting was to request academic testing because I was questioning a processing disorder. The first 90% of her meeting was complete and utter frustration as the school questioned me about my daughter’s symptoms and told me they were home issues and that I should get her set up with an outside counselor. Once again, completely dismissing the fact that my daughter only has these symptoms during the school week and as a direct result of her struggles with school. By the end of the meeting they finally agreed to test my daughter based off her lack of reading progress.

My son is 7 with a diagnosis of speech and language impairment and sensory processing disorder. He has an IEP at school for speech only. I requested his meeting as a means of being proactive for next year. My concerns were that due to his sensory processing disorder (which the school refuses to recognize), he benefits from movement and sensory breaks in the classroom. I wanted this simply stated in his IEP. I was not requesting any change in service, but simply a note to inform other teachers that my son benefits from movement breaks. This was denied because the teacher stated that he is “accessing the curriculum just fine”. She stated that “all the children get movement breaks and all the children benefit from them”. Because she would not support my simple request, he was denied this additional note in his IEP plan. I left that meeting hysterically crying in frustration with the special education system.

I am still in the learning stages of what is and is not allowed with school special education. My newest findings is that of all the diagnosis listed above, three of them are not recognized as learning disorders. This makes the process of getting adequate help for a struggling child a complete nightmare. At least that has been my experience. I am also learning that the school does not legally need to accept outside documentation from doctors and other professionals even if it is ethically in the child’s best interest. Legally a school is responsible to provide accommodations if and only if the child is having trouble “accessing the curriculum”. What I am also finding is that often times the school’s testing and observations show nothing while outside testing is much more detailed. I finally received my daughter’s academic testing which showed absolutely nothing in terms of her struggles. All of her testing for learning and processing disorders were negative. The only recommendation they made was for her to seek outside professional counseling. Her outside testing done with an audiologist showed severe auditory processing delay/disorder just as I suspected. I have her meeting this upcoming week to see if this school is going to accept this diagnosis and give her an IEP or 504 plan with the accommodations recommended by the audiologist. Based on passed experience I am not feeling hopeful.

With all of this said, I am still finding ways to help my children and my clients. I am finding ways to work around the gaps in the special education system. I am finding that complaining about it and fighting with the school is not always the most beneficial. In my experience it has taken a lot of energy from me and gained little to no results. So instead I am finding ways to raise and teach children how to understand their disabilities and advocate for themselves. I am finding that when the child approaches the teacher or counselor with their needs, they are more likely to be met. I am learning that building verbal skills both receptive and expressive language is most important. My plan on moving forward with very little support for my children and some of my clients is to continue to advocate for them by keeping communication open with their teachers and teaching children how to express their needs. The following are some ways I am doing this.

1. Advocate for a specific type of teacher for your child. At the end of each school year, I write up a letter to the principal with my child’s diagnosis and symptoms giving a brief description of what he/she struggles with. I then state the type of teacher my child is most successful with. This might include a teacher who is sensory friendly, a teacher who understands auditory processing disorder, or maybe a teacher who is willing to take the time to learn about my child’s diagnosis. It may include a teacher who is structured and organized. I make sure to keep the letter simple making sure to get my most important points across so it is easy to read. This has been a very successful intervention.

2. Educate your child about his or her diagnosis. What and how you choose to discuss your child’s diagnosis is up to you, but I find that it is very helpful to be open and honest about a child’s testing and results. You can start from the moment your child begins testing by making sure they understand why they are being pulled out of class and what the teachers are doing and why. Once you get the results both inside and outside of school begin talking with your child about them. I use children’s books. You can order tons of books on most disorders from amazon.com. They have tons of books for kids to learn about all kinds of processing and learning disorders. Most of this books talk about symptoms of anxiety and school and how to cope with it. They are great tools. This will give your child education and verbal skills to be able to make connections with how he or she is feeling and experiencing. It has been my experience that once a child has the verbal skills they are able to communicate to you what is going on with them.

3. Make an appointment with your child each week to discuss school issues. My kids love these “appointments”. They learned very quickly what they are for and use them very well. You can start by explaining what the purpose of the appointments are. During my appointments with kids I ask very simple questions about school. I ask about all areas of school, social, emotional and academic. We even talk about the bus. I ask the same questions each week because repetition is proven to be effective in learning. You may want to even have a generic format you follow that will become more natural as you continue this process.

4. Share your child’s concerns with the teacher. Once your child begins to express his or her worries and concerns you can start by sharing them with the teacher. Before sharing information with a child’s teacher, I always ask the child if he or she is okay with me sharing his or her concerns with the teacher. Most of the time the answer is yes. If it is no and I really think the teacher should know about it I am usually able to convince the child to say yes by simply being honest with them about why I think the teacher should know. If a child says no and I am okay with it, then I respect their answer and follow up with them the next day or session to make sure it has not gotten worse. It is important that the child feel respected and heard. It is important that the child learn trust.

5. Be mindful of how you express your thoughts and feelings to your child’s teacher. Just a small tip…it has been my experience that having a positive relationship with the teacher is more effective than a negative one. I made the mistake of expressing my frustrations to my son’s teacher this year. She was the same teacher my daughter had the year before. She insisted that my daughter struggled with confidence and nothing more. She did not respect my concerns as a parent or as a professional. She turned out to be wrong. So when it came time to advocate for my son, I immediately expressed my frustration to her and basically told her that I did not value her opinions. While I stand by how I feel, expressing this in such a way did not help my son at all. I watched her completely dismiss my son’s issues regardless of tons of documentation stating what his issues are. Your child’s teacher holds all the power when it comes to making changes in your child’s plan. Having your child’s teacher’s support can make all the difference in the world. What I learned from this experience is that teachers and school personnel are human beings with issues too. I think sometimes teachers and school staff take things personally and don‘t know how to deal with this so in turn they become defensive and sometimes even stubborn. While I recognize this I cannot change this nor is the teacher ever going to admit this. I probably came off somewhat attacking and now the relationship is strained which makes it very hard for me to advocate for my child and get my child’s needs met. I am finding that approaching a teacher in a positive way is much more beneficial for your child in the end.

6. Teach your child how to advocate for themselves. Unfortunately I’ve had the experience 9 out of 10 times in which the teacher or school team will tell me that they are not seeing stress in a child. I often times leave meetings feeling like they are trying to put the issues on home rather recognize that the child is simply masking their emotions. Children learn to mask their emotions as a means of survival. They fear standing out, being notice and made fun of. I always encourage the child to talk with the teacher or guidance counselor about their concerns. It means so much more coming from the child than the parent. I offer to make arrangements for the child to meet with the teacher by emailing the teacher letting them know the child would like to meet. This usually helps a ton. If the child is not quite ready to advocate, I continue to share the concerns until he or she is ready. You can even offer to make a meeting after school and assist your child in talking with the teacher. This process starts off slowly, but as your child becomes more confident and feels more supported it becomes much easier for him or her to share their feelings and concerns. Most of the time the experience will be a positive one which will reinforce the child.

7. Implement a stress management plan with your child’s teacher. Once your child is able to express his or her concerns to the teacher, help the child and teacher formulate a stress management plan in the classroom. This can be anything from taking short breaks to having accommodations made in the classroom. If accommodations are made in the classroom and they are successful, this gives you the upper hand to request a 504 plan for the following year. You now have the proof you need that shows the school that your child has been successful with the accommodations. You now also have a positive relationship with the teacher who is more than likely to be supportive.

8. Get your child involved with an after school activity that promotes wellness and builds self confidence. It is very important to choose an activity that will promote health and wellness, but also build your child’s confidence and self esteem. My daughter was involved with dance for years until we finally decided to take her out and try something else because she was struggling with processing the moves and music due to her auditory processing disorder. She was not feeling successful with dance and kids were starting to notice and pick on her. We took her out and signed her up for martial arts which is done in a group setting, but also a very individual activity. Her teacher is phenomenal and very intuitive when it comes to children, especially children with special needs. I’ve noticed a tremendous improvement in her confidence. I am most likely to recommend martial arts over any other activity for children with needs. It is however, important that you find the right instructor and studio for your child.

9. Get a therapist or coach for your child. If you feel like you are struggling to complete the above suggestions with your child, get help. A therapist can help assist you in this process and can also be a wonderful advocate for your child. It has been my experience that the schools are more likely to take input and suggestions from a child’s therapist than his/her own parents. When a therapist gets involved it becomes a medical issue in which the school is responsible for putting attention to.

10. TAKE CARE OF YOU! Most important advice as always is to make sure you as the parent are taking care of you. It is easy to put your health aside for your child. I find the process of dealing with advocating for my child be physically and emotionally exhausting which is why I run self-care groups for women. You are no good to your child if you are not mentally and physically prepared to deal with the stress and challenges that come with advocating for your child. Join a support group or talk with a therapist or life coach who can support you and encourage you to make sure your needs are met.

These are just a few things I do with my kids and my clients to help them at school when I feel the school is failing them. If you or someone you know is struggling to be heard or is feeling lost in the education process, please consider attending one of my upcoming workshops or make a life coaching appointment with me. You can learn more about my services at http://www.mindbodyspiritcounseling.net. Please feel free to contact me with questions or concerns. Don’t forget to “LIKE” https://www.facebook.com/mindbodyspiritcounseling on Facebook for up to date information and resources.

Is Your Child Falling Through the Cracks at School?

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If you have a child with social, emotional, or academic concerns you may want to read this. I am a mother of three beautiful and amazing children. All three are unique in their own ways. I am also a social worker who recently opened up private practice so I can share my knowledge and experience with others in a more personable and different way. I have over 10 years of experience in community mental health with children and adolescents and 10 years experience as a mother of three children with unique special needs in the areas of social, emotional and academic. So one could say I am fairly experienced in the area. I’ve attended many special education meetings at school both as a parent and as a professional. I work hard and love to collaborate with school staff to help provide supports and accommodations to children with all needs. Along the way I have met some amazing educators. With that being said, I have also had my fair share of struggles with educators. I want to take a moment to share what a struggle it has been both professionally and personally to get the needs of these children met. There are many thoughts I have on why this is. One thing I learned in the last several years is that teachers and school personnel do not have an adequate understanding of some of the mental health and educational disorders out there. Infact, I was told at one meeting when I inquired about an auditory processing disorder, that the school does not have the means to appropriately test for an auditory processing disorder. When information was presented to schools and counselors, I found that they did not even understand what this type of disorder is and how it can impact a child’s learning socially, emotionally and academically if needs are not met. In my experience this has been true for most processing disorders and also for children struggling with ADD and ADHD, executive functioning and sensory processing disorder. I also found many of them unwilling to listen and acknowledge information presented to them. I got many responses dismissing my arguments because “it was not impacting the child’s learning”. I am not saying that this is true for all teachers and school personnel, but I found it to be true for a large majority. The biggest struggle I discovered is that if your child is not a behavior problem, then they can slip through the cracks very easily.
I am currently working with a 7th grade girl who cannot read and write a full sentence. She is in the 7th grade and her school continues to push her through the system despite efforts to have her placed in an academic environment that is more equipped to educate her properly. I work with kids who are severely depressed and feeling discouraged and hopeless at school. As I dig deeper with them, I learn that they are struggling with learning disabilities that have gone undiagnosed and unrecognized by the school. Parents find the battle with schools exhausting and hopeless and often times give up as a result.

I have dealt with many schools who do not return emails or phone messages unless hounded by a professional. I contacted one school regarding a client of mine four times in one week before finally receiving a return call the following week. I am not one to give up and I don’t go down without a fight so it makes it difficult for them to avoid me.

Unfortunately I am feeling beaten down and frustrated both as a professional and as a parent. To make matters worse, when you go into a school to inform the school that you recognize concerns with your child based off the work coming home, they sit you in a room with 8 of them and one of you. They proceed to look at you and ask “So tell me what is going on at home?” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when they ask this. I’ve been in meetings with testing done to prove that there are multiple things going on with a child and still turned away because a teacher can say that “it is not affecting the student academically”. Can you tell I am fed up?
I am writing because I know there are so many other parents out there feeling lost when it comes to finding answers and support for their children. I have learned through the years that there is a very specific and fine process one must go through in order to get their child’s needs met. I decided that it is my mission to educate families who are interested in learning more about how they can advocate and get their child’s needs met at school by hosting workshops. I also decided to write a few ideas down for parents to guide them in beginning the process of getting help for their child or in my case children.

1. Learn how to recognize the signs of struggle. This is a pretty easy one in my opinion. I knew my daughter was struggling because she would cry during homework and tell us she didn’t understand. Sometimes she would shut down before even trying. She would cry about going to school the next day. She became withdrawn and lost her appetite on several occassions. She lost sleep at night. Other kids struggle behaviorally and will act out at home or school. If your child is acting out or showing signs of anxiety, depression or increased stress during the school year, you have every right to be concerned. Do not ignore these signs.
2. Begin by asking questions about your child’s progress in the classroom through email. Using email allows you to begin a paper trail of who, when, where, what, and why you are concerned. It allows you to track when you emailed a teacher, what information you received or did not receive, how often you were concerned etc. Be open and honest with the teacher making sure to inform them of your concerns with your child, what you are seeing at home, what you are doing at home to accommodate your child’s needs.
3. Do not be afraid to be pushy. I struggled with this for years. I hate being a pushy person. I am a people pleaser and I want people to like me so telling a teacher how I felt or that I disagreed was not easy. I was always appropriate with how I communicated, but I became a person who was able to tell a teacher when I was frustrated and did not feel that my child’s needs were being met. I had an experience at one time where I got an email back from the principal stating that I was no longer allowed to email the teacher because it was causing too much stress. I felt terrible, but I needed to be heard. Good news is that the principal was able to meet my child’s needs.
4. Listen to your gut. For 2 years I listened to teachers tell me that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and that I needed to give her more time. Well I finally decided to listen to my gut and take her for testing on what I thought was an auditory processing disorder. It concluded that my daughter did infact struggle significantly with auditory processing which was why she was struggling in the classroom and beginning to show signs of high anxiety and depression by third grade. I also had to listen to my gut in regards to advocating for my children and clients in other areas where school insisted there was no issue. 9 out of 10 times my gut was right.
5. Request academic testing through school. If you feel that your child is struggling and feel that he or she may have a learning disorder of some kind, always request academic testing. You want to put it in writing for the school. If you do this, the school by law has to provide a meeting to discuss your concerns in a timely manner. If agreed upon, the school then has a very specific amount of time to get the testing and meetings complete.
6. Request a copy of the results from testing before you attend the meeting to go over the results. Special education meetings can be extremely overwhelming and intimidating especially if you are new to learning about educational needs. Take some time to review the results. Share them with your child’s PCP before the meeting.
7. Get your child’s Primary Care Provider (PCP) involved. Always make a call to your child’s pediatrician and discuss any concerns you have with him or her. Typically they will help guide you and if they are really good they will even help to advocate for your child to have testing done. When testing is completed, get a copy and share with your child’s PCP before the meeting to get feedback on what your child’s PCP wants to do with regards to moving forward.
8. Don’t be afraid to get a therapist of life coach who specializes in child development and educational needs. This can be a support for both you and your child. I think parents are sometimes afraid to take their child to a therapist because they feel that their child will feel like there is something wrong with them. This is never usually the case. 99% of all children I’ve worked with feel relieved when a therapist gets involved and helps to advocate for them. A therapist has education in educational needs and can help to build accommodations and supports for your child. A therapist or coach can educate parents on what can be done to help your child and can also shed some light on what is going on with your child. Often times a therapist is the one to recognize the disorder in the first place. If you choose to have your child seen by a therapist, ask the therapist to write a letter with diagnosis and suggestions that may benefit your child in the classroom.
9. Get outside testing done. There are so many areas of processing where school is not equipped to do adequate testing on many processing disorders. In my experience outside testing is more accurate and assesses for a wider variety of issues. Outside testing allows for more information regarding what is going on with your child. I also feel that the accommodations recommended by an outside provider is more detailed and specific.
10. Learn as much about your child’s disorder or condition as possible. You can Google just about anything these days. Once your child is diagnosed with a specific area of dysfunction, do anything and everything possible to learn more about it. Often times you can learn about the diagnosis online as well as get recommendations for your child. There are also agencies around that will answer questions you have. You can learn more by contacting the department of education as well.

11. Get your child re-evaluated every year. If you have outside testing done for a processing disorder such as ADD, ADHD, executive functioning, sensory processing, auditory or visual processing, have your child re-evaluated each year. This evaluator will become a great asset in your child’s IEP or 504 planning. Yearly evaluation is also a great way to continue to learn about your child’s disability and it is also a great way to track progress or lack of.

12. Make sure all you child’s teachers are aware of his/her IEP/504 plan. At the start of each school year I always recommend that parents email a copy of their child’s school plan to each teacher who will be working with that child. I also encourage parents to request a team meeting with the special ed team and teachers to make sure everyone is on the same page regarding accommodating the child’s needs. If you request a meeting they have to give it to you.

13. Communicate regularly with your child and make sure he/she understands what they are allowed to do at school. I make weekly appointments with each of my kids for 30 minutes to allow them time to discuss concerns they have about school. At first it was like pulling teeth, but now they know what the half hour is for and I cannot get them to stop talking. They love meeting and have so much to say. This is great opportunity to educate them about their disability and needs and encourage them to become an active participant in getting their needs met.
14. Take care of yourself. The biggest reason why kids fall through the cracks in the school system is due to lack of follow through from parents. Most often I see parents get beaten down and discouraged with the education system and I see them give up. I find that I too have moments where I feel this way and let go of the fight for several months only to find my child regress. I learned that I am my child’s biggest and most constant advocate. In order for me to stay strong and secure with myself I need to make sure I have the right supports around me and I am taking care of me first. It’s like they say on an airplane, “put your mask on first before putting your child’s on”. The same is true when fighting for your child’s rights and needs. You must be healthy and strong to endure the battle.

If you or someone you know is struggling to be heard or is feeling lost in the education process, please consider attending one of my upcoming workshops or make a life coaching appointment with me. You can learn more about my services at http://www.mindbodyspiritcounseling.net. Please feel free to contact me with questions or concerns. Don’t forget to “LIKE” https://www.facebook.com/mindbodyspiritcounseling on Facebook for up to date information and resources.